Collective vs. Individual
I whined about my mother in law in a previous post. I think the problem between my mother in law and I is deeper. Even if I were a stranger in her life we would still never be friends and would feel disconnected.
One of the ways we are different is that I am an individualist from a very individualistic background. My culture is simple and believes in Protestant ethic. We have no show, no superstition, and a lack of ceremony. I decide my career and who I marry. My culture is only 500 years old. My ancestors broke from the complex feudal and centrist Roman Catholic tradition and embraced the new Protestant and Humanist revolutions. There are those who say my culture maybe dying and going back to a more centrist collectivist society. The days of our golden age are numbered.
My mother in law came from a collectivist society where concepts like mahalla are important. The individual is the enemy to the collective whole. Most Asian societies are collectivist and centrist. Uzbek society is an older society than my own and its golden age has already come and gone. Parents still make decisions for their children even as adults. My mother-in-law found a bride for my husband’s brother and a groom for my husband’s sister. She is currently wanting to find a bride for my husband’s youngest brother even though he is still in school and has no money. Show and ceremony are very important. People will not spend money on new clothes or a microwave but spend thousands on a party because that is very important to their society. Only one person can enjoy new clothes or a microwave, but a party to celebrate a circumcision is for the community. A son who picks his own bride might pick one who will only make himself happy but cause division in the family. Parents know what bride will be best for the collective whole. This is not always true. I know of someone who regretted the choice of bride for their son. She ended up being selfish and disrespectful. Being an American, they automatically put me in that category.
My husband is caught in between the two worlds. He is the most individualistic hard working man I know. Perhaps he represents to future of his people. As my culture comes to an end, he represents the beginning of his people’s future. Maybe the people of Uzbekistan will one day be able to overthrow their Centrist government, decide to save money for their own profit rather than throwing money on party, ceremony, and show. When they come to the USA, they will save and invest in their own future rather than sending all the money back to the old country to buy huge mansions in Tashkent so their families can show off. I see that as a problem. My husband’s family see that as the right way to be.