Skip to main content

Tired Momma and the Yellow Wallpaper

I haven't written in this blog for a while mainly because I am JUST SO FREAKIN TIRED!! I just started Paxil CR a month ago and one of the worst side effects is the tiredness. . . at least I am not having anymore panic attacks.

Another bad side effect is the lucid dreaming that comes with it. It is like I am sleeping but not sleeping like the drugs open a door to another dimension that I am fully awake to. (but they are still dreams of course) Scary people jump out of corners and the dead come for conversations. Sometimes guest come without warning laughing at the mess in my house. I wake up exhausted from the dreams. I have an appointment to make real soon to my doctor. I am not usually that crazy. 

Another reason why I am tired is that Eli has decided that I am his human pacifier. It is sweet and bonding but also tiring. I am thinking about weaning a little early but he vomits solid foods and refuses to take a bottle. We have a six month check up coming up.

I don't want to get off the Paxil CR because my anxiety and depression is real. Part of it is post partum hormones and part of it is that my husband will soon be deployed and leaving me alone with four kids who each have their own individual problems and lives. Without medication I was living in a nightmare and sometimes would not move. I couldn't do anything because my body lost all will to live. My chest was in pain a lot and I would be forced to lie in bed due to panic attacks. I felt like I was drowning in life and needed help. It didn't help that I was not getting any support from my spouse who also has anxiety issues and his anxiety fed into mine making a never ending loop of terror between us. Luckily I have a lot to keep me busy as being a 21st century wife requires a lot of driving around and going to different places.

Sometimes I wish I could be a 1890's housewife except I am sure that I would be put in one of those mental wards for hysterical ladies. (I see YELLOW WALLPAPER MOVING!!!) I wish I could have housekeepers like they have on Downton Abbey.

                                                         "Hot chocolate Miss Amber?"

                                                     
                                                        "Over here Missy!! Woo hoo!"

What is depressing is that most of my family lived like that in the 19th century! :-(

"But Great Great Great Granddaughter, you have dishwashers and Central heat and air, and no Yankees marching all over your property, hush up!"



"It wasn't all perfect Great Granddaughter! At least you have superior medicine, epidurals and Elmo to entertain the kids!"

Ok, sorry! I got it! Be more grateful for what I have! (except Yankees are all over Northern Virginia still! Never left since your days Great great great grandmother!)






Comments

  1. I hope life gets easier for you soon and that you get some help when Aziz is deployed. I am grateful for movies that entertain the kids so I can get a little nap when I need one.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Am a Yield Sign

Yeah, girls, it is my honesty time. I am now like one of those people in a reality show in those confession rooms ready to tell all!

I am embarrassed about this usually but I think I should share. I am a size 12 but my chest is about a size 16. Yeah, honey, I do not have a problem in the chest area! However, what most people don't think about is that a big chest does look fat, otherwise they are more than likely fake. I have big arms and shoulders to hold up my 36D's. Another problem with these things is that my back aches and cleavage shows in almost every shirt. I would have been a goddess in the 1950's but now I look like a cow!

I have an inverted triangle body type. I am wide on the top but have small hips and no butt. My legs and arms are skinny and bony. It is not the most attractive body type and most clothes were not made for me. When I lose weight I lose it in my butt first. I have a great body for swimming. As I have gained weight I look more like an apple or a …

Overprotective Mom's Guide to Pop Music this Week

I have 2 teens and so I try to keep up with what is going on in music. I want to know what my kids are listening to. I also need to be aware of what songs are playing on the radio while my kids are in the van. I listened to the Top Ten pop songs on the Billboard chart and wrote down my impressions of the songs.

My son asked me one afternoon, "Mom, why is Ariana Grande walking side to side?' I usually don't listen to the words and focus on the beat and melody so I was surprised that he caught what the lyrics were. The song he is referring to is "Side to Side" by Ariana Grande featuring Nicki Minaj. I've heard that song around 200 times over the last couple of months. I just figured she was dancing with some guy and they were swaying side to side like you do at church dances. Well, I found out what it really means, prompted by my son's question. She's had sex with a guy all day and all night so she's so sore she walks side to side. (Vomit) Now I ch…

STUFF Clogging My Mind

I haven't blogged in a while. I never made it big in blogging and I never found an audience. I gave up and instead used Twitter as a way to express myself. I primarily used Twitter for about four years and even had my own little community. I had a few major retweets but was never famous or anything. I kept myself anonymous because I didn't want attention. I just wanted to express my feelings. A month ago I quit and it was one of the best decisions I've made.

It was popular last year to say that 2016 was the worst year ever! It was a very strange year for me! I went through many challenges, new baby, c section, deployment, teenagers, a move, and ended the year losing my grandfather, I went into a deep depression and realized that I was spending sometimes 6-8 hours arguing with people on Twitter. I knew that couldn't help my depressed mood so I decided one day to quit. By day three I felt like a new person. I had more energy and I no longer felt hopeless. Instead of wast…