Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tired Momma and the Yellow Wallpaper

I haven't written in this blog for a while mainly because I am JUST SO FREAKIN TIRED!! I just started Paxil CR a month ago and one of the worst side effects is the tiredness. . . at least I am not having anymore panic attacks.

Another bad side effect is the lucid dreaming that comes with it. It is like I am sleeping but not sleeping like the drugs open a door to another dimension that I am fully awake to. (but they are still dreams of course) Scary people jump out of corners and the dead come for conversations. Sometimes guest come without warning laughing at the mess in my house. I wake up exhausted from the dreams. I have an appointment to make real soon to my doctor. I am not usually that crazy. 

Another reason why I am tired is that Eli has decided that I am his human pacifier. It is sweet and bonding but also tiring. I am thinking about weaning a little early but he vomits solid foods and refuses to take a bottle. We have a six month check up coming up.

I don't want to get off the Paxil CR because my anxiety and depression is real. Part of it is post partum hormones and part of it is that my husband will soon be deployed and leaving me alone with four kids who each have their own individual problems and lives. Without medication I was living in a nightmare and sometimes would not move. I couldn't do anything because my body lost all will to live. My chest was in pain a lot and I would be forced to lie in bed due to panic attacks. I felt like I was drowning in life and needed help. It didn't help that I was not getting any support from my spouse who also has anxiety issues and his anxiety fed into mine making a never ending loop of terror between us. Luckily I have a lot to keep me busy as being a 21st century wife requires a lot of driving around and going to different places.

Sometimes I wish I could be a 1890's housewife except I am sure that I would be put in one of those mental wards for hysterical ladies. (I see YELLOW WALLPAPER MOVING!!!) I wish I could have housekeepers like they have on Downton Abbey.

                                                         "Hot chocolate Miss Amber?"

                                                        "Over here Missy!! Woo hoo!"

What is depressing is that most of my family lived like that in the 19th century! :-(

"But Great Great Great Granddaughter, you have dishwashers and Central heat and air, and no Yankees marching all over your property, hush up!"

"It wasn't all perfect Great Granddaughter! At least you have superior medicine, epidurals and Elmo to entertain the kids!"

Ok, sorry! I got it! Be more grateful for what I have! (except Yankees are all over Northern Virginia still! Never left since your days Great great great grandmother!)

1 comment:

  1. I hope life gets easier for you soon and that you get some help when Aziz is deployed. I am grateful for movies that entertain the kids so I can get a little nap when I need one.