Monday, March 5, 2012

Depression

I admit it. Well, it shouldn't be a surprise, but I have depression and anxiety. Most of it is because of hormones. I can honestly say that it is more than just a physical illness but mental as well. It is a disease of slothfulness and wastefulness of yourself. You sort of give up on your potential self and are stuck in a sad present. Sometimes it is because you are grieving. I have had times in my life when I had to grieve and the depression I was stuck in was a way to hold on to that person I lost. That is sometimes a healthy depression and one that is necessary to move on. You can't move on until you sufficiently mourn for that person lost.

Then there is the other depression that is more chronic and really has nothing to do with outside influences. You feel stuck but there really isn't a specific reason for it and that causes you to be even sadder. You feel anxious and scared that living life will just bring more pain and suffering so you just hide in your sorrow. You are afraid to be happy or industrious because you fear making a mistake or that someone will hurt you. You hide behind your fears and sadness. Depression is a mental problem and one that one can heal from.

I had control of my depression before and I am trying to get under control again. I had a huge set back when i miscarried in 2010. I thought mistakenly that because I went through painful things in the past that I had my fill of pain and that I would be safe from ever hurting again. After losing the baby, I lost that sense of security. It knocked my world out of whack. That was a terrible time to try to deal with my abusive in-laws who didn't see or care that they needed to back off and not try to cut me down. I needed support not abuse.

I fell deeper in my shell. I felt like I lost control of my life. The thing is that I forgot that God is in control and that sometimes I need to submit to his will. If I try to save myself and control everything I will fail and again slip into despair. It is true that having faith in Christ relieves the burden of controlling everything from your life. I still struggle everyday to get back to normal but it is so hard. I am just now getting over being anxious in public. I know I joked around and smiled but inside I was in terror and couldn't wait to go back home.

I am doing better. I did slip back into the fog of depression when Aziz left and I was sick with an infection. I don't know how much of my illness is depression and how much is the infection. It is scary to take care of four kids alone and thinking about your husband in an unsafe war zone.

I keep pulling myself back up and reminding myself that I am a daughter of God. Daughters of God can reach their potentials no matter what the trial, even if that trial is depression.


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