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Heavy Changes

After having Eli. I have had a difficult time with weight. I could not lose it easily like I could in the past. I wasn't gaining either so I didn't worry too much. About three weeks ago I finally weaned Mr. Eli and it has been a nightmare. Eli sleeping patterns are crazy and so is my weight gain.

I started being more active. I even cut down a lot of crappy foods. Instead of losing weight, I was gaining. I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I am real depressed about that. The problem is for me is that I stress eat so I am eating because I am stressed out that I am gaining weight. Yeah, makes total sense!

Plus there is now a cancer scare. I think it is a 90% chance that it is just a scare. I had an abnormal pap smear but I had one before and it came out all right. I also have to get tested for ovarian cancer. Also, not too worried. Ovarian cancer is not in my family. We have diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer's , breast cancer and even some crazies but no ovarian cancer. Still to be told you have to be tested for it is frightening.  So, I stress eat.

I am not pigging out or anything, just snacking on foods that aren't exactly healthy. I drink  soda to soothe my nerves and munch on potato chips to crunch away the pain. On heavy period days I eat chocolate. On days that I am driving my kids to their activities for hours a day because my husband is out of town, I end up eating fast food. In the past, those things did not affect my body too much. True, I didn't lose weight, but I didn't gain either. Now my 35 1/2 years have caught up with me.

I believe I take after my dad. He was always so skinny. Then he hit his late 30's and his body changed. He carried his extra weight around his belly. I remember my grandmother (his mother) also complaining about her big stomach. I think I have the same problem. The sad thing is though my grandmother was always very active in sports, etc, she never had a flat tummy. She did look healthy up until her eighties. I admit she drank lots of Coca-Cola and did not eat or drink the healthiest. She enjoyed her life!

My mother's family has problems with sugar and I might have inherited that. My sugar tends to drop and spike quickly. I used to pass out in college because my sugar would drop below 60. My doctor told me that is a bad sign that my body does not process sugar well. I didn't worry too much because I far as I knew no one in my family has diabetes. Well, recently I found out that my uncle and my mother have it. That may also be the reason why I carry so much weight in my belly.

I am no longer 25 and can eat what I want. I feel like I am going through a second adolescence except that this one totally sucks. Instead of growing taller, I am growing wider, my skin is sagging and my hair is turning gray. I guess I should feel blessed that this didn't hit me until 35. Some start younger.

One thing I will say. Because of my constant exercise my body is stronger. My back doesn't hurt as much. I even carried Eli to the bus stop without pain. So though I am getting fatter at least it isn't in pain.

I hope and pray it isn't a tumor causing my belly to grow. (no it is definitely not a baby) In the meantime, I will continue to learn to eat and care for this new ageing body and to accept that I am no longer 20. I will soon be middle aged and though that sucks physically, I am enjoying my wisdom and insight that I didn't have before. I am growing ornery so GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

Wish me luck!


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