Always an Outsider
Eurasia.net has a post about the Uzbek concept of “mahalla” by a writer I love very much. This blogger teaches me the most about Uzbek culture. It is difficult to find information on the details of Uzbek home life.
The post I linked to is one about mahalla which means community. In Uzbek, that usually means family as family lives close together. It also can me the community of the people. What if you are outside of the mahalla and married in? Will you ever be a part of the community?
Unfortunately, you will always be an outsider and so will your children. The Kelin or daughter-in-law is an outsider anyways. If you are from another country then you are even more an outsider.
This past week when my mother-in-law visited made me feel even more like an outsider. She preferred to cook me food rather than teach me. It was difficult to get her to teach me how to cook Uzbek food. If she taught me, it was because my husband made her. She refuses to teach me anything about Uzbekistan, only speaking Russian to me. My children also only have Russian spoken to them. She made a lot of comments about how I was lazy and sloppy and took over my home. I heard that is an Uzbek thing to do however. At the same time she never taught me her ways. She just acted as if I was her child.
At the same time, my husband keeps on the outside. He keeps his Uzbekness inside and never shares that side of himself. My children speak not one word of Uzbek, and know nothing of the culture. My daughter said she hated Uzbek culture. At the age of 5 she already feels like an outsider.
I have heard so much about the hospitality of Uzbekistan. Yet I have never felt this hospitality. I always feel like I am being pushed to the outside. My husband knows this is one of the reasons I have not yet visited the country. If in my own nation I am being treated like an outsider, how much more badly would I be treated in the country?
I thought Koreans were the most closed society. I have found one that is more closed and protective. Perhaps it is because of their newly found independence??? The only connection I have to Uzbek culture is through the music which I love. Perhaps one day this love will connect me in some way to the modern hermit society of Uzbekistan.
(((((HUGS)))))
I am sorry that you were treated like an outsider. I don’t think it’s right for her to belittle you in your own home, in front of your chidren–her grandchildren. No matter what your culture is, no matter where in the world you come from, it is common sense to treat others the way you want to be treated.
Maybe your husband doesn’t talk about Uzbekistan because he doesn’t want to live/think of it. I don’t know. I know I try to bring some of my culture to my family. Not to change them or anything, just to educate.
I hope your husband wakes up. I know for sure he wouldn’t want that to happen to your daughter.
When are you guys coming down this way? For Maddy’s 1st bday party????
And I know you had high hopes for your MIL’s visit. Some of what you experienced, though, could be classic (not just Uzbek) mother-in-law stuff — you know, the wierd competition and ‘nobody’s good enough for my son.’ It’s possible that if you visited on her territory, she’d be a lot nicer. So don’t give up hope altogether.
Your mother-in-law may not realize how she is making you feel. Have you had your husband try to talk to her about it?
My mom sometimes says anti-american things that hurt my husband but he doesn’t say that it offends him and so she doesn’t realize that she shouldn’t be saying those things. She loves my husband but its the experiences that she has had that makes her say those things (of course that is no excuse) but being direct and loving can help.
Yes, I have been direct about it. She knows what she is saying. I understand some of it. I know where she is coming from. I don’t like it, but all I can do is ignore the comments. I married her precious eldest son. In her mind I took him away from her and from Uzbekistan. One day she will see that my husband is a special guy. He chose to be American. (my only complaint is that he hides his Uzbek side.)
He is precious to me too, maybe one day she will see that.